My Superhero Name is Unpopular Opinionman*
Watching The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight, there’s a visceral thrill in seeing the moral centers of the Left going into a very me-like rage mode at the state of the world. The sense that the universe is catching up, that reality is catching on, that words can mean things again, is almost intoxicating. And potentially very counterproductive if you’re looking for a job. Because as good and true as it feels to cry out, “You’re all assholes!” from the mountaintop, that kind of vibe could be a turnoff to potential employers before they realize how it’s just part of my charm.
And as a bearer of multiple unpopular opinions, it becomes a challenge to exist in that space, to share a valuable perspective without descending into true (read: profane) authenticity. After sitting on a plane for 5+ hours, surrounded by other people, that rises to an Everest-level challenge.
To get right to the point, reclining your seat in economy is a crime against your fellow man. And though there is a felt need to go right to the four-letter words, I don’t need to here- because you already know I’m right.
The ability to recline seats is provided to economy passengers as a balm for the indignity of commercial flight. A temporary relief to being penned in and herded about like cattle, the ability to “gain” a little space and breathe a little easier for a little while. Unless you’re in the last row, your seat then is backed all the way up against the wall. All it takes is a flight or two back there before you remember to check in the moment that 24-hour window opens! But as long as you’re on the ball, that’s not you.
This doesn’t mean it’s time for a fight, but for a reminder.
Remember those 5th grade pizza parties? Those were so much fun. Two pies for the class, precisely cut into single-pepperoni slices so that everyone can have one, with enough chaos that you can easily grab two if you’re *really* hungry, and no one’s going to notice, just look at how small those slices are! Except the last kid in the class, she’s going to notice that someone took her slice. The little bit of comfort that some other kid claimed, just because they didn’t bother to look beyond the prospect of cost to themselves, was comfort that girl in the back of the line gets none of now. There’s no magical production of pizza slices for the folks in the back, to offset the extra taken by the kids in front who thought they were special, there’s just less. They’re not worth any less than any other kid in class, they just get less than everyone else because they had the misfortune of not being someone else.
And hey- it’s cool! Maybe you didn’t know that last seat was stuck, maybe you didn’t know that your actions could go back the length of the plane to penalize someone you’ll never know! …Maybe you though you were just just and only imposing on the one person directly behind you? See where I’m going with this? Some truths are universal.
But what if you’re not that person- what if you’re not trying to start anything or take from anyone but the person in front of you reclined their seat so of course you should too? Well, you’ve got me there. I can’t think of any patronizing answers couched in 5th grade math to resolve that puzzle.
No, for that one I have to go all the way back to 3rd – or even 2nd! – grade. If your friends were all jumping into the road, would that make it safe for you? If your friends were all being bad, is it ok for you not to be good?
See, these are things that you know already. You don’t need me losing my mind, trying to impose my personal principle on you, these are SHARED principles! You learned them too, we grew up with them. The child in you knows already that reclining your seat in economy is being bad to other people. And the adult in you knows that your reclining isn’t a reaction to or an expression of frustration at the person in front of or behind you, but at the incompetent AF g****** m************ a******s running the airline who’ve limited your entire experience of freedom to the single square foot of space in front of you. And absolutely, it’s a valid response to being treated to disrespectfully, to get a little frustrated. But you know it’s not okay to take that out on other people. You know that.
We already agree.
Because those 5-6 inches those seat backs recline, that’s the dick of life you’re sticking in someone’s face. It’s quite possibly the dick of life that someone’s shoved into YOUR face, and you’re not here for that! They’re not who you’ve dressed up for! You were just minding your own business and then life comes along and makes things intrusive and awkward? That’s just not cool.
We all know this; there are RULES against sticking your dick in someone’s face without their consent. There may not be those same rules against sticking the dick of life in someone’s face, but there don’t need to be! We don’t need to capture those in writing. We already know them.
No need for harm, no need for fouls.
If, on the other hand, you’re the parent encouraging the little kid next to you – who doesn’t need the space at all anyway – to recline their seat just to momentarily silence them with the thrill of privilege, well you’re just a bad person. Jerk.
* Yes, that is too long to have printed across my chest. I have it written somewhere else.
About The Author
davetwsprocket
Dave didn't get the memo until, like, just now. He is capable with arranging words, but only just getting started at getting those words to actually do anything. He is motivated by a disrespect for authority, and towards finally doing what's right. He's good with people, but that's a learned skill- his natural inclination is to be far, far away. He's a Leo.