Marvel Movies Ranked, group 2: The Eh.

Iron Man 2

I was at an ArcLight for this, the one in Sherman Oaks. One of their gimmicks was to do announcements at the front of films- talk about the movie, do some sales pitches, etc. One of my own gimmicks as a manager was doing announcements myself ahead of the big fan openings. (I can’t help it, I like the attention, and public speaking is a demon best slain in public.) So for the night-before midnight show, we had a sold-out crowd of fanboys, and those were my moments. When it was time to roll, I played it straight- “Welcome, etc, presenting IM2, etc, starring Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark, Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts, and Don Cheadle as Terrence Howard.” And they loved it. Got the best laugh there that I’ll ever get in my life. But it was a one-time joke, because THOSE were the fans who were going to get it. It was also a bit of a power play- the greeters back then had an ego about their role and I wanted to shake up their perceptions of what a real manager could do.

But Iron Man is unlucky for having come along so early. His universe in those films is much smaller than Vision’s for example, and he lasted all of two movies. So the Iron Man films tend to suffer from a shortfall of scale and consequence. This one is good, it’s enjoyable to watch. But it doesn’t step up too far from the first one, so it plays more like stalled trajectory than ascension. Best moments by far- Gwyneth’s shock when Scarlet drops Lucky, and Mickey Rourke wanting his burd.

Spider-Man 2: Far From Home

The Spider-Man movies have an extra burden to bear, since cringe teen moments lose most of their magic after a single viewing. The sequel adds a level of difficulty by being too much about the grown-ups in the room. I don’t care about the evil Geek Squad, I don’t want to get acquainted with their trials in life when there’s a Spider-Man who’s just starting to get good at being a Spider-Man. And the aliens at the end? Don’t care. They’re not even relevant to the rest of the pic, but they diminish it by being a dumb idea that was apparently there the whole time. I really like some of these foreign posters though.

Ant-Man 2: The Wasp

The only thing wrong with this is Michelle Pfeiffer. How in the world do you cast Catwoman and only give her a couple minutes of screen time? Inexcusable. Enjoyable otherwise though. And by including Laurence Fishburn, they raise the possibility that the entire MCU is just Morpheus’s new Matrix.

The Incredible Hulk

Hulk was good, except for two things- the hero and the villain. First of all, Edward Norton hasn’t had a mild-mannered moment in his life. And as Bruce he’s a pretty little guy for a superhero, which in itself is fine, but Tim Roth is not a big guy either, so the whole thing plays like some weird power fantasy by guys who in reality would have none. Seriously, even William Hurt probably could have squashed Mr Elite Megamarine like a bug. But the “You wouldn’t like me when I’m…hungry” was funny.

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron

There was a tone-deaf asshat (what? I said ‘hat’) I used to work for with AMC. He used to do fun stuff like being a condescending prick, and illegal stuff like altering employee files without notifying them. Years later, he became a corporate tool with Pacific Theaters (see, Pacific had no skill at developing their own talent, and a love for pretense). On the eve of Ultron – which we ALL knew was going to kick our asses – he was getting married. Executives can do that you know, bail on their own jobs when the business they got hired for is actually coming in. So this clown sets up his out-of-office to let people know that they should look for help elsewhere because he was “sunning himself on a beach in Egypt”. His actual words. While his people were getting hit hard, he was peacing out. Pacific and ArcLight DESERVED to fail. Anyway, Age of Ultron was OK, but OK isn’t good enough at that level. They invented their own bad guy! The entire movie was one single Stark fuckup! Just how many innocents did Tony murder that day?

Captain America 3: Civil War

In some ways this the worst movie of all 24, but there are just enough redeeming qualities to drag it out of that group. Where to begin? Let’s start easy- William Hurt. What a dick. He had a heart attack, and it gave him the perspective he needed to hold the Avengers accountable. What can this guy POSSIBLY know about accountability? He created and unleashed a psychotic anti-Hulk beast who ripped up entire city blocks and crashed a military helicopter, and kept his job! What. The. Fuck. He did the EXACT same thing they did, just on a smaller scale. That lecture was a stupid moment. And Tony Stark wasn’t done with his own stupid moments either- what was that, eulogizing the poor kid that his own creation murdered as if it were some kind of condemnation of the rest of the group?

But the king dick of all in this pic is Captain Effing America. He’s on a quest to save his murderer best friend, a very good person on the other side, who he knew had killed Howard Stark and Iron Mom. And he kept it secret, so you know he KNEW he was wrong! He was lying through his teeth to Stark just like Fury had been lying through his teeth to him in the first pic. And he wasn’t looking to turn over his best buddy the murderer to any kind of law, he was protecting him FROM the law. White pride and privilege in the MCU, splashed all over the screen by its biggest hero. And he wasn’t just a buddy of Tony’s, but he knew Howard too. Howard saved his ass with that shield, and helped him get the girl. But sorry buddy, you’re just no Bucky. The end fight was good, but Tony took too much of a beating there. Taking Bucky’s arm was deserved, but Cap deserved a few broken bones. Some of the main elements of this film were just so, so poorly characterized. The only thing that saves it is the supporting cast. Wanda, Vision, Spider-Man, Ant-Man, Black Panther, they carried the movie. It was really for the best that they weren’t the headliners, because then the writers might have been tempted to screw them up too.